Thoughts while Traveling
10.25.2006
Defensive Postures
I have found myself in a situation I want to run from as fast as I can.
I have a recent history of doing so. I wonder if that is why the doors aren't quite opening for a miraculous act of deliverance, God? Perhaps...
I feel persecuted, misunderstood, taken advantage of, and offended beyond belief by the unethical and immoral actions of people that I spend a good portion of my days with. I want so badly to defend myself and make sure that everyone knows the TRUTH.
I am sure that you know nothing of that kind of feeling, Lord?
Through my thick costume of sarcasm, my heart hurts for them. Through my costume of defeat, my pride suffers like a gaping bloody wound. My innate need for justice wants to shout out. My selfish flesh wants to just vacate the building and wash my hands of the entire place, which of course would include some people that I have come to care about.
I don't know what to say anymore.
And yet the more I talk to you about it, God, the more I begin to see reasons... That hurts, too. I have to ask myself "what matters more?" The child in me wants to throw a temper tantrum. Maybe this is one of those defining decisions in life which begs me choose the path that is slightly more narrow?
I talked with you this morning, and I opened the book on my desk to the page that said "October 25" and I read this:
"I find myself threatened, challenged, and exhilerated by Christ's freedom from human respect, his extraordinary independence, indomitable courage, and unparalleled
authenticity. In preaching the gospel I have been graced to speak fearlessly in the knowledge and conviction that the Word of God must not be fettered, compromised, or watered down; but in my personal life my fears and insecurities lead me voraciously to seek the approval of others, to assume a defensive posture when I am unjustly accused, to feel guilty over refusing any request, to doggedly live up to others' expectations, to be all things to all men in a way that would make the apostle Paul shudder." - Manning, "Reflections for Ragamuffins"
If only my flesh could be banished...then I could be more like you.
Wait, that's the point, isn't it?
I have a recent history of doing so. I wonder if that is why the doors aren't quite opening for a miraculous act of deliverance, God? Perhaps...
I feel persecuted, misunderstood, taken advantage of, and offended beyond belief by the unethical and immoral actions of people that I spend a good portion of my days with. I want so badly to defend myself and make sure that everyone knows the TRUTH.
I am sure that you know nothing of that kind of feeling, Lord?
Through my thick costume of sarcasm, my heart hurts for them. Through my costume of defeat, my pride suffers like a gaping bloody wound. My innate need for justice wants to shout out. My selfish flesh wants to just vacate the building and wash my hands of the entire place, which of course would include some people that I have come to care about.
I don't know what to say anymore.
And yet the more I talk to you about it, God, the more I begin to see reasons... That hurts, too. I have to ask myself "what matters more?" The child in me wants to throw a temper tantrum. Maybe this is one of those defining decisions in life which begs me choose the path that is slightly more narrow?
I talked with you this morning, and I opened the book on my desk to the page that said "October 25" and I read this:
"I find myself threatened, challenged, and exhilerated by Christ's freedom from human respect, his extraordinary independence, indomitable courage, and unparalleled
authenticity. In preaching the gospel I have been graced to speak fearlessly in the knowledge and conviction that the Word of God must not be fettered, compromised, or watered down; but in my personal life my fears and insecurities lead me voraciously to seek the approval of others, to assume a defensive posture when I am unjustly accused, to feel guilty over refusing any request, to doggedly live up to others' expectations, to be all things to all men in a way that would make the apostle Paul shudder." - Manning, "Reflections for Ragamuffins"
If only my flesh could be banished...then I could be more like you.
Wait, that's the point, isn't it?
1 Comments:
i'm going to see Brennan this Friday... love you guys and miss you
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