Thoughts while Traveling
6.19.2004
Tomorrow I turn 25. Well, it's 1:20 in the AM, so I suppose today I turn 25- but I've never much appreciated those people who are so quick to correct "It already is tomorrow." Foolishness. It can never be tomorrow. Tomorrow is an idea. And if I haven't gone to sleep (which I haven't), I have not ended one day- so how can I start another? There, tomorrow I turn 25. Well, at least people in mountain and pacific timezones are with me.
I'm trying to grasp this aging thing and what it means to me. I'm tempted to say "another year and I've still not done it." Now, let me quickly address anyone who might read that and say "My goodness- they've been married over a year... surely they've..." Kindly remove your mind from the gutter (pervs) and join the rest of us who are wrestling with the deeper meanings of our lives. Regardless of what Porky's or the American Pie trilogy may tell you, there is more to life. (And yes, we have)
I mean I haven't done "it." That thing to accomplish which will validate my existence and leave my mark on the world. The purpose. The thing I am supposed to do. Am I alone in feeling that I should have already arrived? At least by now? Is it the inexperience and the naivete of youth that makes me look at 25 as ancient? And yet I don't feel inexperienced or young.
I think what spurned this on was my wife asking me where I thought I'd be at this age, ten years ago. I knew where I'd be. I'd be famous- star of stage and screen with my own menagerie of award statues.
But where would I be? Really.
I guess if I were there now, then it would have taken me a little while to get there- which means I would have missed out on the biggest parts of my life. The lessons anyway. I wouldn't be the same person and I doubt I would've handled all that fluff. Probably would've taken it too seriously. Whenever I think about all the things I wanted and want to be, and I start adding in all the things I want to do, and then what it would feel like to have and be all those things, and how great it all would/should/could be- if only... I hear my Dad.
I mean that in both senses of the word- my Heavenly Father speaking through my earthly Pops. I remember a sermon of his. "If you ever want to feel depressed- read Ecclesiastes. Also, if your soul tugs at you because the pride is settling in- read Ecclesiastes." Read what someone whose grass is green has to say is meaningless. My bible has headings and it goes through each meaningless thing. It really breaks it down.
We just think we're sooo smart sometimes. I know I do. And maybe I am, but compared to what and to what end and what's it worth, really? And I have dreams that make my heart swell and ache, and my fingers tingle, and my head swim, and keep me up at night, and it would leave me more naked than I already feel to share them here, and are based on great intentions- but compared to what and to what end and what's it worth, really?
I know God gives us passions, I'm just becoming more aware of how they can be altered by humanity. Many people dream big about what they can do for His Kingdom- but I wonder how many times we dream those things and ever consider that we remain anonymous. Ouch- but think about it.
I don't know what this has to do with getting older. I know it's another battle- yet another of many in this war. And my aging semi-responsible self is trying to tell my rambunctious self that we are learning and must make adjustments accordingly, while my youth is struggling for youth's sake- denying the aging process and trying desperately to cling to a freedom that not only doesn't exist, but is more binding than the freedom I have. And then there's the part of me that feels that I won't get to be very old and that maybe these are my middle-ages.
And maybe it's just because I know I'm not getting a slip-n-slide. Why would I? I'm 25.
I'm trying to grasp this aging thing and what it means to me. I'm tempted to say "another year and I've still not done it." Now, let me quickly address anyone who might read that and say "My goodness- they've been married over a year... surely they've..." Kindly remove your mind from the gutter (pervs) and join the rest of us who are wrestling with the deeper meanings of our lives. Regardless of what Porky's or the American Pie trilogy may tell you, there is more to life. (And yes, we have)
I mean I haven't done "it." That thing to accomplish which will validate my existence and leave my mark on the world. The purpose. The thing I am supposed to do. Am I alone in feeling that I should have already arrived? At least by now? Is it the inexperience and the naivete of youth that makes me look at 25 as ancient? And yet I don't feel inexperienced or young.
I think what spurned this on was my wife asking me where I thought I'd be at this age, ten years ago. I knew where I'd be. I'd be famous- star of stage and screen with my own menagerie of award statues.
But where would I be? Really.
I guess if I were there now, then it would have taken me a little while to get there- which means I would have missed out on the biggest parts of my life. The lessons anyway. I wouldn't be the same person and I doubt I would've handled all that fluff. Probably would've taken it too seriously. Whenever I think about all the things I wanted and want to be, and I start adding in all the things I want to do, and then what it would feel like to have and be all those things, and how great it all would/should/could be- if only... I hear my Dad.
I mean that in both senses of the word- my Heavenly Father speaking through my earthly Pops. I remember a sermon of his. "If you ever want to feel depressed- read Ecclesiastes. Also, if your soul tugs at you because the pride is settling in- read Ecclesiastes." Read what someone whose grass is green has to say is meaningless. My bible has headings and it goes through each meaningless thing. It really breaks it down.
We just think we're sooo smart sometimes. I know I do. And maybe I am, but compared to what and to what end and what's it worth, really? And I have dreams that make my heart swell and ache, and my fingers tingle, and my head swim, and keep me up at night, and it would leave me more naked than I already feel to share them here, and are based on great intentions- but compared to what and to what end and what's it worth, really?
I know God gives us passions, I'm just becoming more aware of how they can be altered by humanity. Many people dream big about what they can do for His Kingdom- but I wonder how many times we dream those things and ever consider that we remain anonymous. Ouch- but think about it.
I don't know what this has to do with getting older. I know it's another battle- yet another of many in this war. And my aging semi-responsible self is trying to tell my rambunctious self that we are learning and must make adjustments accordingly, while my youth is struggling for youth's sake- denying the aging process and trying desperately to cling to a freedom that not only doesn't exist, but is more binding than the freedom I have. And then there's the part of me that feels that I won't get to be very old and that maybe these are my middle-ages.
And maybe it's just because I know I'm not getting a slip-n-slide. Why would I? I'm 25.
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