Thoughts while Traveling

Greetings friends, wayward web wanderers, and others- today is a dismal Saturday here in Norfolk, Virginia. The temperature is down and so is the precipitation. Not really rain. Rain would be okay. It's a cold bitter drizzle. I hate when the sky won't make up its mind. I'd rather it be dry or pouring forth like a flood- no in-betweens. I've decided to blog because I'm pretty close to tired of playing xbox (shocking, I hope it doesn't mean I'm growing up), I think I'm movied out, and there isn't much to do besides laundry. So when I'm finished here I'll start that.

You know those stories about how it's such a big deal for a zoo that has a panda to get another panda as well? Usually of the opposite sex. To borrow a line from Maya Angelou and then completely defile it- I know why the caged panda is depressed!
Anna has been out of town since Wednesday. She is in North Carolina at the SouthEastern Theatre Conference (affably known as SETC). They left Wednesday morn. Twas a cold morn. The sun shining and the wind dancing- mocking me. (I've been inside too long)
I'm glad she's having a good time and the trip is beneficial to her, but I do miss her so. I have enjoyed some solitude- but enough is enough. She comes home tomorrow and not a day too soon.
But don't feel too sorry for me- I went on an outing today. Had a playdate with one of my buddies from work. We went and saw Constantine. Very interesting. I liked it. The movie as a whole didn't change my life or touch me in some significant way. I feel I should learn more about Catholicism. But there was one line that really tilted my head and made my chest burn: (POSSIBLE SPOILER, although, not much of one)
"I know I'm not one of your favourites, I'm not even welcome in your house... but I need a little attention."
It's a prayer. A prayer offered up in a moment of dire need. It really made me think about the outside. Well, I say the outside, but what I really mean is outside our bubble. The REAL world. People really feel that way. They feel that God does not look favourably upon them. That they are not welcome in His house. And aren't we all in need of attention? Actually, this is inside the bubble as well.
I have a friend who a few months ago had a real unmistakable encounter with God. Supernaturally so. As she was telling me about it I started crying a little. It is a beautiful story- but as she kept going I realized that I wasn't crying because of the story... I was crying because I was jealous. It was a longing. Yearning. On the way home from her house I thought of Jacob the entire way- wrestling with God- "BLESS ME! NOW!" I wondered what God thinks about that. I know He wants us to draw near to Him, but that sort of tenacity is a little brazen... or is it? I could relate to Jacob. From time to time I still do- but God answered my question that night. "Why don't you meet me like that? The way you came to her." It felt like wrestling and I was on top. What I was really saying was "You say you want to be in our lives, you say you want to draw near to us, you say these things- well where are you in my life? I need a little attention." I was winning the match.

Then He touched my hip ever so slightly by answering the question.

"Who is lying beside you? How did that happen? There lies a blessing that you might've tried to run away from if I hadn't made it so clear. Where are you now? Aren't you moving in a direction? You wouldn't be if I hadn't met with you and moved some things around for you. Where were you earlier tonight? Rehearsal. I have given you the desires of your heart. Desires and passions that you would and have run away from if and when you were 'alone.' Open your eyes... silly."

I felt like a spoiled child sitting in the middle of a pile of presents wondering why I didn't get anything. Just because God didn't come to me in a soothing wind doesn't mean he hasn't paid me any attention.
But it's not that easy for those who don't know how to see Him. It's kind of like the Matrix. (No, I don't have an unhealthy attachment to Keanu Reeves) I'm not jacked in to the illusion any more- so I can see what's real. God's absence is an illusion. His disdain for His children is an illusion. His negligence is an illusion. The prayer from Constantine is a prayer indicative of someone still buying the illusion, still operating under the idea that they are alone. But no one is alone. My life needs to be about shattering the illusions.