Thoughts while Traveling
3.26.2006
"Hell is full of musical amateurs."
This quote by George Bernard Shaw held a mirror up to my pride today.
When I first encountered it, my heart lept in agreeance, because there are moments when I actually think that my personal hell would be this very thing. What a rediculous thought. Who am I? Who gives a flip that my mind has been trained to critique each and every singer I hear?
To my detrement,I am afraid I do. I care. Because when I step up onto my little pedestool I have created for myself and look down on the artistic and musical efforts of others, a strange dichotomy happens. I struggle inside, and my heart hurts. On one hand, I feel as though the years of hard work and dedication to my craft has handicapped me in the area of "grace." Most of the time, it comes so naturally to me to critique and rip apart technique, I don't even realize that I am doing it.And my (dum dum dum) PRIDE wants to defend myself, as if I am justified and qualified to make these judgements. On the other hand, as a follower of Christ, I wish I could throw it all away and FORGET these skills, these habits. Because it really doesn't matter when it comes to living out the Gospel, does it? Or does it?
I mean, why do we work and try to perfect our gifts or our craft? As a Christian,
We do so to glorify God, right? That doesn't shield us from pride, which can be a sneaky, sneaky thing. I realize that these questions and these personal struggles are no new thing, and by no means exclusive to myself and/or music. This is simply the vehicle that brought my heart to a crossroads once again.
Pride. Pride. Pride in what we are good at vs. how to be like Jesus while doing it. It takes so many forms it is mind boggling.
So, because of these inner struggles, I have seemed to have gone to the other end of the spectrum in my life and lived for years in fear of succeeding. In fear of myself.
Is that just as bad?
I am thinking that it is. Either way, it's not giving God the credit, is it?
Yikes.
Ready or not, the rawness of my heart:
I have forsaken my gift. I have tried every medium of sabotaging my instrument, of taking a different path, of succeeding in a career in SALES (hahahahahaha) because I wanted to prove that I can succeed in something completely opposite of what I created to do, etc etc, etc. It's quite funny to me in this moment when I break it down like that.
I started writing this post on Sunday night and here it is Wednesday afternoon and
I am still...well, here. Just checked my MySpace account (no, I am not addicted, it's just fun) and Todd posted a bulletin of a devotional he gets , and ironically (or divinely) it applies:
THE ADVERSITY OF SUCCESS
I've always contended that success is far more challenging than adversity. Adversity is self-evident...you expect it to be tough, uphill sledding. At least, the pace is more manageable. Success is a mountaintop experience that leads to downhill sledding. It seems fun until you hit a rut at break-neck speed. Mount Everest kills far more climbers on the “decent” after a success accent to the summit. Coming down the mountain is far more dangerous than going up. Adversity invariably drives us to the Lord. Success takes us by surprise because it lures us away from God. I'm not suggesting that you make a sacred vow of failure or mediocrity. You just have to be sober, that with money, possession, fame and power comes the gravitational pull away from Christ. It’s no wonder that Jesus says it is as hard for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle as it is for a rich man to get into heaven. Oh, and by the way…wealth isn’t just measured by dollars. Problem is, most of us in America are rich relative to the rest of the world. That's why we pursue God with our whole being, in full stride, not hindered by the baggage of success. Holding on to the cross requires two hands. You can’t hold on to the Cross with one hand, and success (or whatever) with the other. Drop your success (or whatever) and get a two-handed, firm grip on the Cross of Christ Jesus. Give God your success, so it never becomes your treasure. Wherever your treasure is, there will your heart be also (Matthew 6:21). Treasuring success is idolatry…the most abominable sin to God. Treasure God, and nothing else. Most importantly, keep your success to yourself, praising God for helping you conquer a mountain. While on the summit, keep a firm grip on Christ. On the way down, let Him be your guide…He will keep you from falling into a crevasse. Finally, if success leads to financial prosperity, then give more abundantly…sacrificially, and give quietly. Jim Elliott, a missionary to Ecuador said it best, “He is no fool who gives up that which he cannot keep to gain that which he will never lose”. Jim gave his everything, being tragically martyred for Christ in the jungles of Ecuador.
Ok. That helps me sift through all this.
We do walk a tight line. Whether we are artists, sales associates, pastors, secretaries, students, etc , etc, etc..... Bottom line is- humility is not humility if it is false. Taking "pride" in ourselves is not an option. Slander is slander, even if it is cloaked in the elaborate costume of " constructive criticism." Having a high standard for yourself can way too easily be transferred to others, letting pride get a hook in ya.
Working through my mess, and yet clinging to grace,
anna
When I first encountered it, my heart lept in agreeance, because there are moments when I actually think that my personal hell would be this very thing. What a rediculous thought. Who am I? Who gives a flip that my mind has been trained to critique each and every singer I hear?
To my detrement,I am afraid I do. I care. Because when I step up onto my little pedestool I have created for myself and look down on the artistic and musical efforts of others, a strange dichotomy happens. I struggle inside, and my heart hurts. On one hand, I feel as though the years of hard work and dedication to my craft has handicapped me in the area of "grace." Most of the time, it comes so naturally to me to critique and rip apart technique, I don't even realize that I am doing it.And my (dum dum dum) PRIDE wants to defend myself, as if I am justified and qualified to make these judgements. On the other hand, as a follower of Christ, I wish I could throw it all away and FORGET these skills, these habits. Because it really doesn't matter when it comes to living out the Gospel, does it? Or does it?
I mean, why do we work and try to perfect our gifts or our craft? As a Christian,
We do so to glorify God, right? That doesn't shield us from pride, which can be a sneaky, sneaky thing. I realize that these questions and these personal struggles are no new thing, and by no means exclusive to myself and/or music. This is simply the vehicle that brought my heart to a crossroads once again.
Pride. Pride. Pride in what we are good at vs. how to be like Jesus while doing it. It takes so many forms it is mind boggling.
So, because of these inner struggles, I have seemed to have gone to the other end of the spectrum in my life and lived for years in fear of succeeding. In fear of myself.
Is that just as bad?
I am thinking that it is. Either way, it's not giving God the credit, is it?
Yikes.
Ready or not, the rawness of my heart:
I have forsaken my gift. I have tried every medium of sabotaging my instrument, of taking a different path, of succeeding in a career in SALES (hahahahahaha) because I wanted to prove that I can succeed in something completely opposite of what I created to do, etc etc, etc. It's quite funny to me in this moment when I break it down like that.
I started writing this post on Sunday night and here it is Wednesday afternoon and
I am still...well, here. Just checked my MySpace account (no, I am not addicted, it's just fun) and Todd posted a bulletin of a devotional he gets , and ironically (or divinely) it applies:
THE ADVERSITY OF SUCCESS
I've always contended that success is far more challenging than adversity. Adversity is self-evident...you expect it to be tough, uphill sledding. At least, the pace is more manageable. Success is a mountaintop experience that leads to downhill sledding. It seems fun until you hit a rut at break-neck speed. Mount Everest kills far more climbers on the “decent” after a success accent to the summit. Coming down the mountain is far more dangerous than going up. Adversity invariably drives us to the Lord. Success takes us by surprise because it lures us away from God. I'm not suggesting that you make a sacred vow of failure or mediocrity. You just have to be sober, that with money, possession, fame and power comes the gravitational pull away from Christ. It’s no wonder that Jesus says it is as hard for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle as it is for a rich man to get into heaven. Oh, and by the way…wealth isn’t just measured by dollars. Problem is, most of us in America are rich relative to the rest of the world. That's why we pursue God with our whole being, in full stride, not hindered by the baggage of success. Holding on to the cross requires two hands. You can’t hold on to the Cross with one hand, and success (or whatever) with the other. Drop your success (or whatever) and get a two-handed, firm grip on the Cross of Christ Jesus. Give God your success, so it never becomes your treasure. Wherever your treasure is, there will your heart be also (Matthew 6:21). Treasuring success is idolatry…the most abominable sin to God. Treasure God, and nothing else. Most importantly, keep your success to yourself, praising God for helping you conquer a mountain. While on the summit, keep a firm grip on Christ. On the way down, let Him be your guide…He will keep you from falling into a crevasse. Finally, if success leads to financial prosperity, then give more abundantly…sacrificially, and give quietly. Jim Elliott, a missionary to Ecuador said it best, “He is no fool who gives up that which he cannot keep to gain that which he will never lose”. Jim gave his everything, being tragically martyred for Christ in the jungles of Ecuador.
Ok. That helps me sift through all this.
We do walk a tight line. Whether we are artists, sales associates, pastors, secretaries, students, etc , etc, etc..... Bottom line is- humility is not humility if it is false. Taking "pride" in ourselves is not an option. Slander is slander, even if it is cloaked in the elaborate costume of " constructive criticism." Having a high standard for yourself can way too easily be transferred to others, letting pride get a hook in ya.
Working through my mess, and yet clinging to grace,
anna
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