Thoughts while Traveling

Ok, I'm not wearing black... but I'm back. Can't really tell you why I haven't written in so long... don't know that I had much to say. Don't really know who "you" are, or if you know I've been gone or that I exist. Either way, I'm back.

Watching the pres. debates... hmmm lots of thoughts. Times like this make me wish I were... too young to vote, too young to care. But I'm getting older by the day, and dash-it-all if I can't help but care either. So many thoughts, not really sure how to express them. I know many people I know would say "You're a Christian, what question is there... Bush is IT!" First of all... that's more than a little naive. It's not that easy. I just wish Al Franken were running. I would vote for him.

Started reading my first Bonhoeffer work: ETHICS.

All I can say is WOW!! I encourage everyone to read it. Well, no, I retract that statement. I think everyone should know about it, God will probably let you know when to start it. God has done that to us twice in the past two months. He let us know about a book that we haven't read that would change our lives, and brought it into our lives at the right moment.
The first was The Dream Giver. What a book! Someone told Anna about it, she told me about it, she bought it, but she did not start reading it until the exact moment she needed it... the moment we both needed it.
A friend of mine at work told me about Ethics. Then the other day I found myself with nothing to do while I was waiting for my wife to get out of class- so off I went to the library. I really love the Regent library. Found Bonhoeffer quite easily thanks to the handy dewey decimal system... and BAM! God opened up the floodgates! I especially enjoyed the Stations on the way to Freedom. Great stuff.
"Make up your mind and come out into the tempest of living." Holy SMOKES that's awesome!

It's amazing, and yet should not be all that surprising, when Jesus sends us something right when we need it- like our little trip up to New York. Man, I needed that! I don't know if I knew how much I needed that trip. Very short, didn't see much, but just what the Great Doctor ordered. I was reminded of a goal... a vision... my home... a passion for a city, for an industry, for a nation... and of course, the greatest baseball team ever! Seriously, it was a much-needed reminder and inspiration to take on the first station on the way to Freedom: self-discipline. Really need to tackle that one. Sounds easy enough, right? It will be once I decide to do it. Therein lies the rub. Sometimes I feel like it takes self-discipline to decide to be self-disciplined. Yet I am still learning. Therin lies the hope.

And with that, I shall retire.

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After reading my sister's blog today, I was forced to go back and look at my own entries. They all the sound the same. Well, the last few, anyways. When I have taken a moment to articulate my thoughts...they have all been so...desperate. When comes the point when I stop being desperate and actually start "abiding"? I am so blessed. My God has always come through, always exceeded my desires. Boy, has He done it this time. Holy...Lord! I must, must, must stay on my knees and not allow the morsels of defeat that fly around my head all day to seep into my soul. Why am I here? This season of my (our) life is all about preparation, and the growing pains are...painful (imagine that). Why, though? Why not run back to a "comfortable" life? Well, besides the fact that I, ummm, hated that life, I am being prepared to, I don't know exactly. But whatever and wherever it is, I will be a deeper, more educated, disciplined, and healed person, ready to be of service to my King. Anyways, it's where I am...still desperate, yet...abiding.
Jesus, you are the sun on my horizon.

Psalm 37

"...Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you. He will make your inccoence as clear as the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for HIM to act. Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes..."

There are times in life when one's hopes and vision for themselves is brought head to head with the reality that God DID create us to rest...and sometimes that means sleep. Put the paper down, Anna. Put the play down, Anna. Drop the weight of your's and everybody else's expectations onto the wood floor, just for a moment. Let the stress fall into the arms of the one who can remove it altogether. Now breathe in deep...

Why am I doing this anyway? It's not MY dream, it's not MY money I need to pay the bills, it's not even MY marriage, MY vision, MY obstacle, MY hurdle, MY joy, even...

It all belongs to my Father. All of it, every inch, every step, every tear, and every groan.

Jesus, you are everything to me. Consume me today. Lead, me, Lord through the desert. I am not in pursuit of my dreams or my "calling", I am in pursuit of you. YOU are my destination. YOU are my solution. YOU are my paper, my project, my right brain, my left brain, my direction, my passion, my motivation, my drive, my strength, my peace, and my joy...
I praise you, Lord. I love you, Lord.

Today.

Starbucks cannot even touch my exhaustion today. I have downed two cups already and I am still seeing double. Jesus has to get me through this day.
Isn't that a great place to be? So weak...only that He can be strong. How "weak" are you today? How "strong" are you today?

MY 19 hour day yesterday has morphed into TODAY far too quickly. I need a small miracle.

A weekend to look forward to. Sarah is coming through town tonight, and we are driving to NYC tommorow...yeah! I need some of that city's energy and inspiration. I can't wait!

Must get through work, class, and rehearsal today , first.

So, back to work I go.

So I REALLY wanted to get my ars out of bed earlier than usual this morning. Did it happen? No. I Like to feel at least a bit prepared for the day, and us rushing out of the house at 6:40 so that Justin can dangerously speed across town to work, inevitably bringing about road rage whilst of course blasting Coldplay in the CD player. Meanwhile, there's me in the passenger seat, desperately trying to put on my mascara in the midst of the madness and reciting and trying to recall the lines of the monologue I am auditioning with tommorow. It's a crazy life, I tell ya. We need to get ourselves together. Geez.

Anyways, God still provides a whisper of his peace, even in the whirling of the storm. (speaking of storms, Lord bring your peace to your children suffering in Florida) Since we were more rushed than usual this morning, I didn't get a chance to make my morning coffee, which is imperative to my well being. WEll, thank God I work in the student center where they serve Starbucks coffee every morning. In a pinch, that'll do. :) So, I sleepily make my way down the hall to the the cafe, and I am greeted by my favorite person here. I should know her name, however I stink with names (fatal flaw) so of course I cannot remember. But, she can still be my favorite, yes?

I am obviously not quite awake fully, due to my rambling.

What's my point?

Oh yes. God spoke his peace to me through Starbucks. And the nameless "favorite" woman.

How, you ask?

Well, she's always singing, this woman. She is so full of joy it's absolutley contagious. This morning I asked her what she was going to sing for me. She in turn asked me what kind of coffee I was drinking. I answered "SUMATRA." (all Starbucks connoisseurs will smile and nod) It's the monster of all starbucks coffee (at least here it is) and packs a mean punch at 7 am. Just what I needed. Anyways, she then says, "Oh girl, I got the SUMATRA song for you this morning. It's the only appropriate one." (I am intruiged and excited to hear what comes next)
She starts singing, well, more like bellowing the gospel song "I go the rock", and people, her voice filled the entire bottom floor of the student center, I am sure of it. It was awesome. Talk about a call to worship on a Friday morning...

What a great way to start the day. Wish you could meet my (nameless) friend who is usually more like an angel from Heaven directing my hands up to God and my heart towards my Father, the rock of my Salvation. "It's a great day to serve the Lord, walking in the light of God." (everybody up now, and start walk, walk, walking!)

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong." Hebrews 12:12 NLT

Today, Jesus. Walk with me. No, better yet, walk before me. You are good at that. It is your day, Lord. Accomplish what you will.

Balance. This is what I am trying to accomplish in my life. It's bigger than me...and it is challenging my faith like you wouldn't believe. I have never lived a very disciplined lifestyle, as much as I may think my efforts were grand. And yet, it is now. And it's imperative. God can only do it...which makes perfect sense why He brought me here and now. So that I stop trying so hard to control my life.

Here's where I am: I am living in a place that was at first a mystery but now feels more like home than any place I've been in a long time. I am back in school and actually beginning to enjoy it for the first time in my life, even when I put my husband through hell sometimes with my weeping and wailing. (I'm sorry,baby.) I am in a job that is stretching me beyond my limits and that is putting my left brain(as tiny as it is) through boot camp for 40 hours a week. I have committed to working out each day and getting my body healthy and "aligned". I have quit for good my favorite bad habit, which actually was just a control tactic masked as addiction. I have many opportunities to grow artistically. I am back in an environment that has always felt "right", even though my fear of it has always untimately won.

And my God has done all of this, pretty much while I was looking around frantically in despair. Thank you, Lord. Help me. Manage me. Fill me. Quiet me. Charge me.