Thoughts while Traveling

Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to be.

Why?

Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you are a lot of other people: but the moment you are being, you are nobody but yourself.

To be nobody but yourself - in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.

Does this sound dismal? It isn't. It's the most woderful life on earth.

-e.e. cummings

"People need to understand that they must never interfere when a woman cries. We need to cry for our emotional well-being. If you interrupt a woman while she is crying, something really terrible will happen. No, she won't shoot herself. It's worse than that. She'll start retaining fluid-gallons of it, and blow up bigger than Pavarotti."

We went to a funeral today.

So I am laying in bad last night flipping channels and beginning to doze into dream land. I pass a channel with a church service on it and keep going. I am compelled to return. Why? Not completely sure, although it the topic of the sermon sparked my intrest.
I believe it was a local church here in Charlotte. Anyways, the topic was about "short-circuiting your future" and the things in life that we allow to disable God from blessing us.
Whether it be refusing to obey, or making decisions out of God's will, etc. It was a challenging word, I admit, because it made me look back and face the times when I have allowed that to happen in my own journey. The whole sermon was very good, however something he said is really making me think. I am not sure exactly WHAT I think yet....he was talking about being a minister in a certain denomenational church and constantly facing opposition from his leaders concerning his lack of respect for tradition and the like. He said he was preaching healing, and Spiritual gifts. He finally was removed (I don't know if he removed himself or was taken out of his position) and the Lord took him somewhere else and his ministry has prospered. What got me was this: He said that God physically moved him to a place where he would be HEARD. Where people would benefit and grow from what was being taught. THEN he said God HAD to do that because God is a God of order and structure and would be going against his own word if he kept him in a place where he wouldn't be heard and the message on his heart wasn't received. Now there is a new thought. I must say I have never heard that put like that before. Still am not sure what my opinion is of that, but I am pondering...

Sometimes life is cruel. Today at work (in a homeless shelter) I heard someone's cellphone ring- and there ringtone was "Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home." The irony was startling.

Or maybe not. Maybe there's something there. Imagine, if you will, being somewhere and knowing that it's temporary. You are not going to be where you are forever. What do you do with your time there. Do you appreciate and make the most of it? Interesting reminder from an unlikely place.

Two hours later someone called me really nasty names. I didn't really get anything out of that.

Read this excerpt from another blog today:

"For those of us who have forgotten who we are - who have forgotten how fearfully and wonderfully we are made, and have recast themselves in their own image - in our image, the broken mirror of our humanity - remember who He is. I count myself among these people. Too many times I have allowed the broken, imperfect, fallen nature of my humanity keep me from the sort of full life I could be living. This transcends religion. It is nothing more than a faith issue. Beyond the trappings of our different churches - Salvation Army, Baptists, non-denom, Lutheran, etc. - is a call to admit our humanity, not to deny it, and to work with it, not against it. The moment we allow it to win, we are defeated. The moment we ignore and forget it, we are also defeated."

Thank you Ben, I read your thoughts and my heart screamed "YES!!!" I needed to read them. Now I know why your musings are important. :) Well, they were imprtant to me today, a weak soul waethered by the storm. Although we have only met once, you made my day by your challenge and reminder. God bless you today...

Good morning world. Is it really? I haven't really grasped the morning yet, although my ars has been physically out of my bed for abouuuuuut 2 hours and 10 minutes. Maybe Mondays mornings are simply out of my grasp. That's ok. I don't mind being half-concious for now.

God does come through. He really does. Even when my faith in Him seems non-existent and non-refreshable. My blog from Friday is a perfect description to where I was emotionally, Spiritually, and physically. Desolation. A far cry from the usual state of the other "D" word, delusion, which is a favorite adjective I choose frequently to decribe my state of mind. I think I prefer delusion. "The grass is always greener..." so they say. I better rephrase that. I prefer delusion RIGHT NOW. Desolation is a black place. Dusty in places so it makes you sneeze uncotrollably, and yet so damp and cold in other places that you can't find warmth in spite of your deperate search of it.

Anyways, enough with the pictures. On to reality again, Anna. Although we had made tentative plans for the weekend in several different directions...and we had a choice of exciting things to do and lovely people to see, I drove home from work and decided on my journey that I would do nothing more than get in my bed and hide under my duvet for the next 48 hours. Maybe get up to eat and pee, and quickly return to my hibernation. And then I walked through the door of the place we call home to be faced with a humbling reality. I am married. I have vowed to submit to and partner with another human being. That means we decide together. So... came quickly to find out that he had packed and was ready to travel. It took a little kicking and screaming, but at that point I needed to just be commanded what to do if my little selfish sleeping plan was out the window. So, we drove to Virginia. To see our kindred -Spirit friends. The ones you know God sent you to at that specific time and for a specific purpose. And I am so blessed and thankful that Justin followed his heart and dragged me along, because it was a breath of fresh air. Thanks, Lord, for helping out your disobedient and rebellious spirited child. I am driven back into your presence and challenged by your almighty-ness. (honey, i know that's not a word, but God knows)

I learned something this weekend. That all is not lost due to an unwise decision. It can be redeemed just like He's promised. So many times in my life I have thought that I MUST make this or that important life decision the RIGHT way, because if I don't...I will be out of God's will and I will have to pay for it. That may be true on some accounts, however, I am learning more and more that life is a journey and what my Saviour is more concerned with is the state of my heart, not the state of America in which I reside.

So, my dear husband, we stand once again at a crossroad. Where will we end up? Who knows, only God. The important thing is that we search His heart and love His people. Lord, as we approach another big decision, grant us peace beyond anything. Take my little mustard seed of faith and help it to grow. Although we have just been through a season of doors shutting in our face, let us move through this (false and evil) sense of defeat with grace. Right through the eye of the storm and into your presence. The bright white light of possibilty is cracking through an unexpected door. If this is the right one for us to follow through on our journey, Lord, keep opening it. We trust you and love you...and will follow where you lead.

Time for coffee...my eyes are beginning to open and see the sunshine this morning.

I want to cry myself an endless and rolling river of defeat today. Where, God, are you? Is this life we live just a world series full of strike outs? What do we have to do to get an answer?

So I was reading Captain Stephen Court's blog today. He is quite an aggressive Salvationist that has a lot of challenging thoughts and words for those fighting the Spiritual war through the Salvation Army. I remember hearing him and his wife speak powerfully at "On the Edge" in (I think it was) the fall of 2000. They blessed me with their zeal and obedience. Anyway, He wrote this:

"Which Army is it that signs up slackers, unbelievers, the uncommited, those actually fighting against them, into its own ranks? You cannot be in the British Army unless you are a committed, trained soldier. There is no adherency. Either you are in, or you are out."

He could not be any more accurate in that statement. Everyone who has chosen to be a soldier in the Army and have claimed it's mission cannot deny these words and hopefully decide one way or another. My mom said something the other day that for some reason keeps resonating in my head. I don't even remember exactly what the topic was, but she responded with , "Well, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen."

I have chosen to get out of "the kitchen" , so to speak. I stand convicted because if I am out , I need to quit going in to add stuff. Like the other weekend when my friend Dave was cooking mushrooms and I kept sneaking more garlic salt into the pot, because it suited my taste better. The cooks don't need little hands adding the wrong ingredients to their masterpiece. If that analogy makes sense only to me and my warped mind, then so be it. I needed that revelation, my dear mother. Thank you for the expression.

As for those of you Salvos that are called to the front lines through the medium of the Army, my earnest prayers are with you as you battle for the Kingdom. Wherever I am serving God, I partner with you in your quest in Spirit and in Truth.

It's St. Patty's Day...whoopee....and I forgot to wear green. Oops. I hope nobody pinches me.

Awww...Justin honey, I can just see you now...poor thing. I have known that feeling before, and yes, it sucks. When you yourself KNOW the truth, and you can't make someone else see it...and you wonder if they ever will ...and you're leaning towards "probably not"...and you find yourself alone. Aloneness is a dichotomy. At times it's quiet and refreshing solitude, and other times it can be so...well, sad. Just sad. Like the kind of sad that sits on your chest and keeps you from breathing in.

I hope my quest for bright white teeth is successful. Otherwise I am getting my thirty bucks back.

As I stand on the edge of another St. Patrick's Day- I can't help feeling very non-ethnic. I'm not Irish, but it would be nice. It would be nice to be anything. I guess by definition I'm a WASP (white anglo-saxon protestant), but it's too bourgeois. And you can't really get behind that- I mean, we're the greedy bad guys that screwed everything up. What would you do on WASP Day? Celebrate oppression? I'd convert to Judaism, but I'm a happy Christian who loves Jesus. Can you convert to Messianic Judaism? If Sammy Davis Jr. can convert to Judaism, I can convert to Messianic Judaism. Does it work that way? Judaism has all kinds of neat holidays. But I'm not of Jewish decent... not recently anyway. What flag do I have? I'm not Greek, Irish, Scottish, Belgian, French... anything. As far as I know, I came from Puritan Pilgrims and that just doesn't do it for me. I'm not even rich enough to be a real WASP- not that I'd want to be.
I'm going to start a new holiday: Boring Anglo Day! I thnk it will be today. Yes, the eve of St. Patty's will be Boring Anglo Day.

A Happy Boring Anglo Day to you all! May your day be oh-so adequate, and at most- not stressful.

I was presented with a situation that took me back to my childhood. There was a young boy that was accused of something- and I found out he didn't do it. I found myself overwhelmed with the desire to make sure his mother knew he was not at fault. Once I did, I started thinking about how terrible it is for a child to be falsely accused. Then I took a trip back. I remember like it was yesterday...

I was in the fourth grade. My teacher was returning assignments that she had just graded the night before- and she didn't have mine. I was getting a zero. But I did it! And I turned it in! I knew i turned it in because we had to turn it in in order to leave. It was a math assignment. The day before, she assigned it just beore it was time to go- the instructions were to hand it in on our way out the door. I did. And now I was getting a zero. And no one doubted that I didn't turn it in. The whole class was judging me. But I knew I turned it in! One of my classmates even said "I don't know how he snuck out of class without turning it in." I remember her name: Beth Chandler. She said that. I felt so alone. All I could say is that I knew I did it and I knew I turned it in- but it wasn't enough. I remember the other kids whispering- "he didn't do it," "it was easy," "how'd he get away with it." I was devestated.

Somewhere in the fray I felt myself begin to cry. I didn't want it to happen... it just did. Then there were more whispers. Then my teacher's voice came in like a half-hearted trumpet:

"Oh, Justin. Here it is. It was stuck to this other paper." She then came over and apologized. The apology was heartfelt- I could tell. But I was still stinging. My tears were drying and I felt barely vindicated. Then I heard stupid Beth Chandler- "I can't believe he was crying." And I snapped.

"Of course I was crying! It's not about the assignment, it's that no one believed me! You'd be crying too if the whole class and your teacher called you a liar when you knew you were telling the truth.
You dumb bitch."

I wasn't in trouble for not turning in my assignment anymore. Man, that was a painful memory.

Ok so I am so rediculously bored at work today...I took this color personality test online and these are my results, which I found interesting:

Your Existing Situation
Easily affected by her environment and readily moved by the emotions of others. Seeks congenial relationships and an occupation which will promote them.

Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Takes easily and quickly to anything which provides stimulation. Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics cleverly so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermined others' confidence in herself.

Your Actual Problem
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.

Your Actual Problem #2
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.


Some of that information is extremely true about ME. Isn't that funny? What's more funny is the fact that I took the test. I am so glad I have gleaned a bit of information from this activity concerning myself.

It's very beautiful outside, but that comes along with a spring sinus headache. yuck. It's 2:47...not very much longer till I am free to roam for the weekend. What, my dear husband, are we going to do with this freedom? Let's be out of the ordinary for once...?

"When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains, but that we can mobilize them into a common search for life, those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair into signs of hope." Henri Nouwen

"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
Sarah Ban Breathnach



Oh Infinite Star Giver
I now ask for wisdom and courage
to follow these stars
for their names are many
and my heart is fearful...

They shine on me wherever I go:
The Star of Hope
The Star of Mercy and Compassion
The Star of Justice and Peace
The Star of Tenderness and Love
The Star of Suffering
The Star of Joy
And every time I feel the shine

I am called
to follow it
to sing it
to live it.

Author: Macrina Wiederkehr

I married a genius...what more could I wish for? I suppose I am done wishing for now...he eliminated those pesky little hearts!

I wish I could figure out how to get these silly little hearts off the screen therefore I wish I were more technogically savvy...Wishes inevitably lead to other wishes. "I wish to go to the festival, and the ball....I wish the cow would give us some milk...I wish a lot of things..."

I read a very interesting article concerning the sountrack for "The Passion" and the struggles that composer John Debney faced while writing it.
Check it out:
http://www.assistnews.net/Stories/s04020099.htm
I think of my friends and loved ones that have a burning desire to present such art like I myself do, and I realize once again the opposition out there by the Enemy. To present the Gospel in these days is a bold statement...not any more bold than ever before, however look at the ridicule Mel Gibson is faced with? I wish I could look that man in the face and thank him for making such a dangerous step.I mean, who cares if he never gets another role as an actor, He has done something more valuable than all his moments on earth. "I am crucified with Christ, therefore I no longer live..." God intended such artists to glorify Him, and He is truly being glorified through this film. Praise you, Jesus!

I have learned many things in my life; some are useful and some are not so much. Sometimes it's difficult to decipher. There's the extent of my thoughts on this bleak and pseudo- wintry day. Will there be snow? Or will it turn out to be another lie from the weatherman? There's something I have learned: the pre-requisite for being a weatherman is that you must also be a pathological liar.

And the day begins:

One of the more interesting residents here at the shelter approached me this morning for the first time.
"Have you ever thought about being a movie producer?" she asked.
And while I've never thought about being a producer, I knew which answer would reap a more interesting situation.
"Umm... yes." I answered.
"What do you think about doing a movie called 'Drag Queen Strut?' It would be about all these gays and lesbians going out to change the world."
(Justin just sits there- eyes wide, mouth slightly agape.)

She continued: "And at the end of the movie they all become celibate."

Now how's that for denouement?
She told me to think about it and I could write it. If this is how my day begins, today looks very promising.

Ok, so we went to CHURCH yesterday. And I emphasize the word CHURCH, because this is the word I have always used to define the space I have occupied on Sunday mornings, evenings, and various other days of the week for the majority of my 24 years. This word has been lightly used by me at times...it has at intervals in my life been just that. A word, and a hollow one at that. Isn't that sad, that word which embodies corporate worship of our Savior. I suppose I just took it for granted, sometimes went selfishly, etc. etc...

Yesterday was incredible. It was CHURCH. the Spirit of God was the conductor of this awesome symphony of worshippers, and led with such grace and ease...it was amazing. For some reason, I didn't close my eyes at any point during the service. I didn't want to miss one thing from any of my senses. Sitting, waiting for the worship to begin, I felt the "Spirit of heaviness", not only from my own weary Spirit, but those around me. The woman in front of me. The baby she was holding. And then the music began...and the wind of the Spirit started blowing through the place. Not in a freaky sense...for anyone who may think I have gone overboard pentecostal...haha. It was like statues coming to life, and freedom waving from the hands reaching toward heaven. And then we took communion...now that is something I do NOT take for granted, for it is still a fresh and new experience...there really is an amazing awareness that comes from physically taking the elements in rememberance of Christ. Awesome. And then Pastor Michelle (who I had never heard speak before) delivered the message about PRAISE...and she spoke of putting on the "garment of praise for the Spirit of heaviness", and it all made sense. She spoke of how we long to hear from God His will...and yet we miss the point. His ultimate will for His children is for them to praise Him. The rest is HIS, right? Look at Paul and Silas...and what happened as a result of their praises in the midst of conflict. Freedom, Opportunity, souls coming to Christ, all as a result of praise. I needed to hear this.

Then we were speaking to a friend outside and she mentioned how the intensity of worship has changed dramatically since people have been
going to see "The Passion". It's true, but how could it not? Seeing what I saw, how can I, as a follower of Jesus Christ, not be affected..and brought literally to my knees? I was, and, I am.

I also thought there might've been a full moon because of I was feeling very fuzzy. But then I remembered that I'm a hairy beast. Thank you very much, abundance of testosterone. Just shoot me with a silver bullet!

I wonder if it's a full moon. I am sure I fall under the category of people/animals that go insane 'neath a full round moon. I must be. What is happening to me today?

I think there are personalities that simply cannot understand one another. That is what I am referring to. Not so much WHAT you do, but how you think. Different planets...

Aren't Gummi Bears just one of life's simple pleasures?

I like the white/clear ones the best.

Does that make me a gummi-racist?

I wonder if it's not so much that we have to change who we are- but what we do. How we are. There are things that I do that don't define who I am (at least they shouldn't)- but I still like to do them. But then there are things that I do that are because of who I am. Things that I would have to change who I was in order to stop or modify those things. I don't think people should have to change who they are to mesh with others- but maybe what they do.

I dunno.

And then some people just don't have a good handle on who they are.

How much do you have to modify who you are to maintain civil relations with another human being? I mean, on a scale from one to ten? Just curious.

On a more serious note than my last blog:

I came face to face with certifiable crazy person. This woman was asking me a million questions and my initial response was how can I get her to leave in the nicest way. Then something eased into my head- what does Jesus think of this confused, broken, frazzled creature? And it almost brought me to tears.
I'm ashamed to say that I've never done that before. It blew my mind.
So I listened and talked to her- mostly listened. Smiled.

I need to be more tolerant of people.

This woman taught me a lot about myself. Just as she prattles on and yet is perplexed and confused by the simplicities of life- like whether or not something is in walking distance... that's me- who thinks I have it all figured out and can prattle away about anything in the world with a degree of knowledge- or at least the facade of knowlwdge- and the whole time I am perplexed. In the grand scheme of things... I am perplexed and confounded.

But God listens and talks, mostly listens. And, I believe... smiles.

Last night my wife and I had BBQ Chicken Pizza from a locally owned restaurant near our house. Today I had the leftovers for lunch. I'm afraid because I like it. I never thought I would be one of those peopel that like BBQ Chicken pizza. It's a hybrid of two foods that I enjoy very much. I especially adore BBQ chicken when the sauce is superb. But the two together? C'mon!

What is it all about? Why can't I enjoy such a concoction guilt-free? Maybe it's because of what it represents: Lazy Americanism. We have to put two things together so you can have them simultaneously in order to save money/effort/time.

Look at the spork, for instance. Is it so hard to have a spoon and a fork? And the spraw... ok, I like the spraw. But it's functional! You get too much of just the juice out of the Icee with just a straw. And the spraw helps you get the dregs of the Icee that cling to the bottom reaches of the cup. You can tap the junk all day- but it ain't coming out- and you can give yourself a deviated septum in the process. No one wants that.

And what about the pancake sausage corndog? (Corndog by classification only- not ingredients. Essentially... it's on a stick.) Ok, I like these as well... but against my better judgement! I should just have pancakes and sausages if that's what I want. But no, we have to put them together in the same package- and what's worse- on a stick!

And now I have developed a taste for BBQ chicken pizza... (sigh)... I just don't know what to think.

I enjoy having dinner with my wife. She's the best.