Thoughts while Traveling

We are exhausted but we have a home. Praise the Lord! I finally have the red and yellow kitchen I've always wanted...and....it's fabulous.

I hate feeling hopeless. Like I have nothing to offer someone. It's hard for me to accept. I am face to face right now with a huge personal faith issue vs. the deep love I have  in my heart for my friend. Something I have come to accept  un-answerable in regards to my faith is now causing me such turmoil.
Because I can't tell a lie.
I can't tell someone I have solid, without doubt faith that God will answer my ( or their)  prayer the way I (we) want him to. I can't do it!!!!!!!  Because He doesn't sometimes. He doesn't always answer the way we want Him to. That's part of what makes Him God. His ways are not our ways.  We don't tell God what to do, He tells us. I am really struggling with this. I feel as though I can't be enough of a support to my friend, and this could, ultimately,  tear us apart. I don't want to believe that will happen, but I am a terrible realist at times. God, I need your intervention. Whatever the meaning is, help me see you....and may your will be done. I DO believe in miracles, and I believe I could see one happen...

just checking to see if the comments work?

Bon Bastille Day!

Today being le quatourze de juillet (the 14th of july)- it is Bastille Day, or...French Independence Day. I took french in high school and college and I love the language- love the country (despite any political discourse), and although my sister-in-law might abhor this blog so far, I would urge her and anyone who comes across it to read on. I have a real reason for bringing this up besides a history lesson or an affinity for things from the frogland.
As many may or may not know, the independence that is celebrated every 14th of July is not freedom from an outside force, but from self. In July 1789, France was not occupied by another country. In fact, it was very strong. Maybe too strong. The 14th of July marks the beginning of the French Revolution (One Day More...hehe). The purpose of the revolution was to overthrow those in control. Not an outside force mind you, but a part of itself that was misguided and not fulfilling its purpose.

I can guess that you're thinking...

Yeah... so.

Here's the deal. Yesterday I got some... news, let's say. I've decided not to say "good" or "bad." I found out that I will not be able to go in a direction that I thought I would be able to go. This direction would've definitely been interesting and I feel like it would have been fulfilling. More than that, it would have been stable. I have a family. Yeah, it's just the two of us, but we are definitely a family. Stability is a new concern of mine. Never thought it would be, but it definitely is now. And what with this "news," I feel as if that stability has been shaken.
But this is what I'm finding- stability gets distorted by our humanity. For there is no more stable a place than in the palm of God's hand. And I mean in the PALM. Not chilling out by the wrist trying to stay on your feet so you can still assess the situation and run or jump if you need to- in the palm! Surrounded on all sides by the most gentle and yet powerful fingers that created even the very physical earth beneath our feet- which, incidentally, is usually the standard we use when we think of stability.
And I find that with God, we often have to do the complete opposite from what we know to be true as humans. To steady yourself, you grab on to something- and you're holding on to your ability to steady yourself- and you don't DARE let go until you're steady. But the whole last week leading up to yesterday I've been getting these little messages that I might need to let go. I might not need to steady myself. I might need, for a change, to fall in the palm.

And so today I too celebrate a revolution and an independence from self. Today I overthrow the parts of myself that are making decisions- and are misguided and not fulfilling their purposes- and give in to a new regime. But not a regime that I control or influence or micro-manage ("God, if you'll do this...)- a regime that I love and trust and obey... and really listen to. Listening... I almost feel as if I have to learn that. It seems so foreign.
You know what else is foreign? Feeling this exposed. My wife is better at the whole baring one's soul thing. But she is right about it being therapeutic. Now if I can just click the "publish post" button...

We went on a date last night, to the Olive Garden and to a Shakespeare festival in Virginia Beach. We saw an interesting version of "Twelfth Night" which was good for both of our souls, I think. All in all, it was a very enjoyable evening spent with my husband. I just want to say for the record that I am so blessed to be in a marriage where both of us share so many interests. I realize that not all marriage exists this way, and that's ok...I am just grateful that mine is. God knows what we need...

My favorite part of the play (besides SOME good acting)was the director's notes in the playbill. May they make you go "hmmmmmmmm" like they did me.

"Illyrian's are the strangest people I've ever met. They live on their little island,and don't much listen to or care about what the rest of the world thinks of them.They're vain and self absorbed. Their children grow up fast and frustrated because they're exposed to so much irrational behavior by the adults around them.Grown ups in Illyria are always saying they believe in something and then doing the opposite. That's confusing to the poor kids; their brains are still hot out of the oven. But the Illyrians don't notice. They don't realize that other people are laughing at them. They have no idea the world has outgrown their rigid thoughts and customs, and have a hard time seeing themselves as anything other than the perfect endpoint of human evolution.They're not curious enough, don't qustion themselves enough, and complain constantly instead of going out and making things better. After having spent some time with them, I think I have found the problem: they just think they're right all the time. Thank Go we're not Illyrians." -Matthew Friedman

I have many thoughts right now. Too many. Maybe blogging will help me file them in my brain and my heart.

I miss my family. Moving away from what you know and what has become a (sometimes wacked out) support system can be very liberating and exciting. However, I just miss them. All of you. Lord, bless them all today.

Bless my brother, Lord, at camp. Lead him unmistakeably to your throne and into your will. Use his beautiful, tender, contagious spirit to challenge and lift up others. Let him feel your love today, Father. Give him a new zest for life and what an adventure life can be if we give it up continually.

Bless my sister, Jesus. She is in another land, speaking another language, probably eating interesting and fabulous food (I am sure she sneaks in the pringles)and meeting tons of intruiging people. Lord, use her to be a bright and shining light for you while she is there. Bring her to a new knowledge of how big and how vast you are. Pour your blessings upon her life today, Lord.

Bless my parents, who are also in a foreign land, ministering to your people who are called by your name, probably eating really weird food themselves. (I know...I've been there:) Lord, use them mightily to encourage believers and non-believers like. Let them come home changed by your Spirit, with a newly lit flame in their souls burning for you.

You are the protector of your children, God. Keep them safe.

Today, Lord, I stand in awe of your ways. I marvel when I think about the provision you have rained on Justin and myself. I can't wait to see where you are going with us...us little street-rats. (no pun intended...I am giggling at the unexpected irony)
I just want to praise you with my whole being..and that's not enough. I want to give you more and more...

Justin came and had lunch with me, and as we were sitting outside looking over this anointed and beautiful campus, I was filled with such a deep peace. Like the best days are ahead. Not because of anything we have done or worked for or deserve, but because our Lord is just oozing his grace and mercy on us. We talked of the uncertainty of the future...but not with despair and fear that creeps in sometimes. Instead with hope and excitement. I told Justin today that I think God has a surprise party planned for him...where he blesses him abundantly unleashes the amazing talent and gifts he has given to my husband. I can't wait! I believe this...

This morning we were having prayer in our department (my favorite part of the job) and this guy, Harrison (can't wait to get to know him, he is an intruiging mystery) spoke a word to "someone" in the circle. He said that this person is embarking on a time of preparation, and the Lord wants them to know that He is their strength, and this time of preparation will reap a great reward. Is it ok for me to believe that word was for me and Justin? Because I felt this surge of excitement...and I believe it to be true for us. Lord, forgive me if I stole someone else's word from you, but I just can't wait for the dreams you have placed in us to come to fruition. Prepare us, Lord. Let us not miss a thing.

I got an email from a friend, well, more of an aquaintance from Asbury. It was very out of the blue, and at first I was wondering where the heck this came from. Then I continued reading. She gave me a brief update on her life and inquired about mine (the usual opening lines of an irregular email). She told me that one of her close friends has just recently lost her boyfriend of five years in a car accident. (I have stopped breathing at this point). She then goes on to ask if I would feel comfortable emailing her and encouraging her. Whoa. Ok. What? Ok. Now. I have learned that God really and truly uses us through our own experiences. I knew a long time ago, even in the throws of grief myself that there would be a day when God would use me in this way. Then there is the little devil sitting on my shoulder telling me otherwise. Let me lay it out this way:

DEVIL: You can't possibly say anything that will make her feel better.

ME: you're probably right. I remember.

DEVIL: yeah, remember. Remember the dark side. The part of you that hated others for even trying to understand.The stupid and asinine things people said to you out of ignorance or fear. Remember? No one could understand.You don't want to make her feel those things. Just like you were alone, now she is alone.

ME: wait...was I alone?I remember the moments of being so alone.I remember the anger and the tears and the weakness and the...but I also remember the times when God surprised me with someone who gave me a glimmer of hope. I remember wanting to die myself in a bad way and someone calling and stopping me from doing something stupid. I remember wanting to sleep my life away and someone dragging me to Waffle House at 3AM with their laptop to help me write the paper that was due the next day. I remember the times when I just wanted to cry an endless river and someone came to make me laugh so hard I peed my pants. I remember each of those people and I know their faces as well as their hearts.

DEVIL: but...REMEMBER THE DARK!!!!!

ME: I rebuke these thoughts in the name of Jesus, my redeemer and my Savior. I WILL write her...I have no idea what I am going to say or how I am going to say it, but I believe that God has just given me an opprtunity to love. Show me how, Lord. Give me your words. I leave it with you.

Well, that's that, I suppose.

What a strange way to articulate the battle in my mind. That worked, though. Cool. Praise the Lord.

To drastically change the subject yet again, I want my friend out there in blogger land to know that I think that I have found one of my all time favorite lyrics in a song.

"...I'D RATHER DIE THAN NOT HAVE WINGS TO FLY"

Love it. Thanks, buddy. Bless you today, too. :)