Thoughts while Traveling

This quote by George Bernard Shaw held a mirror up to my pride today.
When I first encountered it, my heart lept in agreeance, because there are moments when I actually think that my personal hell would be this very thing. What a rediculous thought. Who am I? Who gives a flip that my mind has been trained to critique each and every singer I hear?

To my detrement,I am afraid I do. I care. Because when I step up onto my little pedestool I have created for myself and look down on the artistic and musical efforts of others, a strange dichotomy happens. I struggle inside, and my heart hurts. On one hand, I feel as though the years of hard work and dedication to my craft has handicapped me in the area of "grace." Most of the time, it comes so naturally to me to critique and rip apart technique, I don't even realize that I am doing it.And my (dum dum dum) PRIDE wants to defend myself, as if I am justified and qualified to make these judgements. On the other hand, as a follower of Christ, I wish I could throw it all away and FORGET these skills, these habits. Because it really doesn't matter when it comes to living out the Gospel, does it? Or does it?

I mean, why do we work and try to perfect our gifts or our craft? As a Christian,
We do so to glorify God, right? That doesn't shield us from pride, which can be a sneaky, sneaky thing. I realize that these questions and these personal struggles are no new thing, and by no means exclusive to myself and/or music. This is simply the vehicle that brought my heart to a crossroads once again.

Pride. Pride. Pride in what we are good at vs. how to be like Jesus while doing it. It takes so many forms it is mind boggling.

So, because of these inner struggles, I have seemed to have gone to the other end of the spectrum in my life and lived for years in fear of succeeding. In fear of myself.

Is that just as bad?

I am thinking that it is. Either way, it's not giving God the credit, is it?

Yikes.

Ready or not, the rawness of my heart:
I have forsaken my gift. I have tried every medium of sabotaging my instrument, of taking a different path, of succeeding in a career in SALES (hahahahahaha) because I wanted to prove that I can succeed in something completely opposite of what I created to do, etc etc, etc. It's quite funny to me in this moment when I break it down like that.

I started writing this post on Sunday night and here it is Wednesday afternoon and
I am still...well, here. Just checked my MySpace account (no, I am not addicted, it's just fun) and Todd posted a bulletin of a devotional he gets , and ironically (or divinely) it applies:

THE ADVERSITY OF SUCCESS

I've always contended that success is far more challenging than adversity. Adversity is self-evident...you expect it to be tough, uphill sledding. At least, the pace is more manageable. Success is a mountaintop experience that leads to downhill sledding. It seems fun until you hit a rut at break-neck speed. Mount Everest kills far more climbers on the “decent” after a success accent to the summit. Coming down the mountain is far more dangerous than going up. Adversity invariably drives us to the Lord. Success takes us by surprise because it lures us away from God. I'm not suggesting that you make a sacred vow of failure or mediocrity. You just have to be sober, that with money, possession, fame and power comes the gravitational pull away from Christ. It’s no wonder that Jesus says it is as hard for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle as it is for a rich man to get into heaven. Oh, and by the way…wealth isn’t just measured by dollars. Problem is, most of us in America are rich relative to the rest of the world. That's why we pursue God with our whole being, in full stride, not hindered by the baggage of success. Holding on to the cross requires two hands. You can’t hold on to the Cross with one hand, and success (or whatever) with the other. Drop your success (or whatever) and get a two-handed, firm grip on the Cross of Christ Jesus. Give God your success, so it never becomes your treasure. Wherever your treasure is, there will your heart be also (Matthew 6:21). Treasuring success is idolatry…the most abominable sin to God. Treasure God, and nothing else. Most importantly, keep your success to yourself, praising God for helping you conquer a mountain. While on the summit, keep a firm grip on Christ. On the way down, let Him be your guide…He will keep you from falling into a crevasse. Finally, if success leads to financial prosperity, then give more abundantly…sacrificially, and give quietly. Jim Elliott, a missionary to Ecuador said it best, “He is no fool who gives up that which he cannot keep to gain that which he will never lose”. Jim gave his everything, being tragically martyred for Christ in the jungles of Ecuador.

Ok. That helps me sift through all this.

We do walk a tight line. Whether we are artists, sales associates, pastors, secretaries, students, etc , etc, etc..... Bottom line is- humility is not humility if it is false. Taking "pride" in ourselves is not an option. Slander is slander, even if it is cloaked in the elaborate costume of " constructive criticism." Having a high standard for yourself can way too easily be transferred to others, letting pride get a hook in ya.

Working through my mess, and yet clinging to grace,
anna

The week was eventful.

Said "goodbye" to our friends. They are just moving to San Diego,
but that seems really far right now.


This kid makes me happy. Little Noah...


Interviewed for a new position at work. Could be a good thing.

Theo was ...well, castrated yesterday. Poor baby. Walking around bumping into everything with that huge collar thing on his head. Can't scratch, can't play with his paws, or his stitches- that's a good thing. Justin keeps referring to a line from a play written by Kahle, a friend of ours. That "he is now a mere husk of what he once was." And mom talks about it "breaking his spirit..." I don't think so. He will live longer and be healthier. So there aren't "sexcapades" in his future? He'll be alright.


my sweet Theo.

Family news: Booth won the "Billy Graham Evangelistic Award" at youth councils. I am so proud of him. Of course I had to find out from dad. I am so proud of you, my brother. You are having a great year, and you deserve it, baby.

Sarah and Jeff are in Atlanta. Praying for you guys as you keep getting closer to discovering the "right fit" for your future together. Praying for your discernment, wisdom, and open doors. Getting more and more excited about the big day -



Lazy Saturday mornings are nice.

I usually write out my heart on paper a hell of a lot better than actually speaking it, however it seems that I run into similar problems either way with confusing words at times. (I am almost sure that probably 90% of this can be attributed to the pot that was smoked in the bathroom of Lakeland Senior High School back in the early 90's. Consequences... we all have our skeletons)

For instance, it seems as though for a while now I have had the words "masochist" and "narcissist" backwards. I called my husband a "masochist" in error the other day in the midst of friendly banter on the way to pick up sushi for dinner, and he lost it. Belly laughing, so to speak. I was then gently informed of my error. Glad he told me, but secretly wondering how many times I have done that, and how many of my friends just let me get it wrong. Jerks...

So the post I wrote about Theo being a masochist was backwards as well, in case anyone out there was scratching their head wondering what planet I was on, like Justin. I am not going to change it now, it's just too ridiculous. Now you know what my dog is...narcissist. narcissist. narcissist. narcissist.

And even now, after spell checking my post in a fit of paranoia, I have discovered that I always spell ridiculous wrong. Darn. That's years worth, right there.

It has been a while. Not because life hasn't been happening. It has, and abundantly for that matter.

Growing pains, conviction, humbling, opportunity, challenge, relationship, stretching, attack, battle, and victory. Victory, of course, because when walking in obedience, as painful as it can be at times, always ends in an exhilerating victory dance.

So here I exist in my bathrobe this evening, looking forward to each day as a gift and an opportunity, casting off lies, defeat, and discouragement. Even when in the midst of a storm, the "eye" is as peaceful a place that exists.That can only be attributed to one person, and the Creator of the Universe as well as my small peanut-sized life deserves the Glory that it only His.

I am sitting here as I write watching my favorite show on TV, "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." I have a friend that rolls her eyes and calls this show "emotional manipulation..." Well, I am sure there are elements of it that are just that. Now, I can be easily emotionally manipulated, HOWEVER, that seems a minute and insignificant point to me when I actually see real people being touched by the open arms and selfless giving of others. Who cares about the way it is portrayed, filmed, and executed with the soundtrack and tears? I, for one do not. So it makes me cry. So it makes me sad, and it touches my human and fragile side. The fact of the matter is is spins my overstimulated and stressed out brain into a downward spiral, back to the heart of why I exist. The bottom line. Love. What a great way to start a week, in my opinion. It's what I decide to do with what I have seen that matters. I can't help but go to bed afterwards thinking of how I can make a difference in someone's life tommorow. Thinking about how I can love somebody in not necessarily the way I want to or in a way that comes naturally to me, but in the way that will make a difference to them. So, let me be manipulated -- but more importantly, let me be reminded in the midst of this WHY I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE AND LOVE THEM. Not for my own glory, but for the Glory of my Father, who gave me life.

I have been reminded lately of a huge lesson. It is this: The utter importance and value to the Kingdom of sharing my story. Not that "my story" is that significant in itself, but as followers of Christ, our experiences and more importantly, our victorious completion of these experiences serve to edify, challenge, and encourage others. In recent years, I have become deluded into thinking two things on a regular basis. One: That the things I have experienced in my life are to be hoarded and protected by me, because only people that have proven themselves trustworthy would be priviledged enough to know where I have come from. Yikes. The moment I realized the selfishness and ugliness of that attitude was a dark one in which I could only find myself on my knees in repentance. Two: That what I have to share isn't worthy enough to be heard. What a lie! A lie that I bought into and one that kept me from being a light in a dark place. This personal revelation lifted my head from the floor, forced me to look up to Heaven, and ask for the courage to walk in obedience again. To ask for wisdom and discernment and a fearlessness of leaving my flesh behind and simply obeying and allowing the Spirit to speak through my life.

My friend Todd, while walking through the valley himself, boldly yanked me out of my wallowing and proclaimed this to me. He probably doesn't even know it. That' s what is so great about how God works. Despite ourselves! Thank you, my dear, dear friend, for your obedience.

I am in the process of gaining back my existence. My existence in Christ- the reasons why I was created. I will no longer shrink back. I will no longer forsake my giftings. I will no longer try to be invisible. I will no longer doubt my abilities. I will no longer worry about making people uncomfortable by sharing my heart. For I am crucified with Christ, therefore I no longer live. All I can do is obey- and contend, leaving the rest up to One much more qualified to handle it all.

If anybody is reading this little post, and I am not presumptuous enough to think that you are- but just in case, I realize it is personal and is vulnerable. Nevertheless, I am to be transparent; that is who God called me to be. I pray that you will be encouraged in your own journey with God, and if you don't know Him, I pray that you will come into contact with Him soon. I am sick and tired of filtering my heart. Adios to that mentality and bondage.

Sometimes we need to proclaim our victory from the rooftop. As we were talking about this morning at about 3:30 am, hate is contagious- like the freaking plague. We see enough of this epidemic in our country, from those that are lost, and sadly, from those that claim to be enlightened as well. I venture to say that love is even more contagious, more powerful, and spreads faster. I want to be in that camp~